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Friendship, Intimacy, Fitting In and Peer / Social PressureHear me, Understand me, Support me: What young women want you to know about depressionIn this section:
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Sometimes, like in the lower grades, people make fun, because [others] come from different countries, they don't speak the same as everyone else, they have trouble speaking French because of the country they came from and their religion, how they dress - if they don't have a lot of money they can't dress well . . . You can see it starting even then, that people are making fun. At school you try to act cool or whatever and you hurt someone's feelings and you don't really notice it because you're trying to impress everyone else . . . I want people to see me, who I am, but sometimes I don't have enough trust or confidence in myself, so it's hard. I'm afraid people won't like the real me, who I am. I'm afraid people will, like, make fun of me so I try and hide some stuff, but I want people who will know who I am. Not this person I'm trying to hide behind. For some girls, having the right pair of jeans or hairstyle would take precedence over who wins the next election or the war in Afghanistan. Unfortunately, if you do not fit the mould of what is popular, coming to school can be a nightmarish experience. Waking up in the morning and feeling anxiety about going to school is all too common for many high school girls. Many girls have an idea that once they are part of the in-crowd, their lives will suddenly become wonderful. They'll be invited to all the right parties, be in a hot relationship and all of their problems will cease to exist. Because of this, some girls will try anything to be part of the in-crowd, such as smoking, taking drugs, underage drinking or becoming sexually active. Some girls will feel the pressure to have sex. Even if they are not ready, they might think that if they have sex they will receive love back. This may even involve sleeping with many partners to find someone who will accept them after others have rejected them. When having sexual relationships proves to be unsuccessful in meeting their desire to feel loved, some girls are left with a feeling of worthlessness that will lead to low self-esteem. Drugs may seem like an easy way out when young girls do not feel accepted. Drugs will never reject them or make them feel alone. Girls may use drugs as a way of meeting people. They may feel that drugs are the only way they can get people to notice them. They use the drugs to give them confidence to talk to people in a social situation such as parties. They also may feel that drugs are a way for them to loosen up, so that they can talk to people and seem like fun. Once someone is dependent on drugs, they may feel like they are nothing without drugs. They could possibly think that people have only liked them because of the drugs and without them they will not be seen as fun anymore. With low self-esteem, and a fear of being rejected again, young girls may become depressed. If you have a big fight with a best friend or a lot of friends, or maybe there's some situation where you lose a bunch of your friends or where you find out that those people who you called your best friends really weren't, and you start to re-evaluate your own self-worth, wondering why, maybe, they wanted to do all these horrible things to you or why they didn't want to be your friend anymore - it starts to eat away, and especially if you don't have no other support coming from around you. Nobody else is there to say, “Well, you don't need those people.” And then you start dwelling on your problems a lot more and eventually that's gonna cause you to be pretty depressed then. Many girls have a hard time envisioning the future; and even though [high school is] just four years, this is their life right now and what they are handling now is a major deal. The need to be accepted now plays a huge part in how these young people will see themselves as adults. As young women enter adolescence, most will begin to look to a peer group for their models of how to dress, social activities, entertainment preferences and behavioural expectations - rather than looking to adults who may have had this influence in their childhood. In addition to their peer groups, the media is very influential in providing images of what young women should look like, what they should aspire to and what the “must have” material possessions are. It is important to many young women to feel they belong to a peer group. Pressure from peers to fit in and rejection by peers can be particularly stressful for young women who feel different from the majority of their peers, whether that be due to language, racial, economic or other differences. This can be an emotionally complex time in young women's lives. Their ideals may be in conflict with their realities. They may have religious or cultural expectations that challenge some of these aspirations. They may experience racial or homophobic attitudes. They may not have the financial ability to purchase the “in” brand name clothing or the “must have” commercial products. This reality may also limit their access to entertainment or other social opportunities that are important to them. Young women may experience rejection from their peer group of choice, which can be devastating. This rejection can occur while the young woman is already affiliated with the peer group, or she may not even be permitted access to affiliation from the outset. Young women have many intersecting identities, which may not be totally congruent with the general identity of the peer group. These identities might include culture, race, language, sexuality and religion. This could leave the young woman torn between her true self or identity and the need to fit in with the peer group. Being different from peers often means being excluded from social groups, and lack of social support can be a key factor in depression. The urge to push others away when depressed can exacerbate depression - and people who are depressed may be more likely to interpret rejection from their peers, even when there is none, which can deepen the depression. Youth also tends to be a time of increasing desire to become involved in an intimate relationship. Young women who mature physically at an earlier age than their peers may be viewed in sexual terms earlier, and may start to date ahead of their classmates. If a young woman is in an intimate relationship, she may experience conflict with the peer group in relation to time spent with them versus time spent with her partner. Young women may not be emotionally prepared to negotiate the many complex issues involved in intimate relationships, including consensual sex, safe sex and birth control. A young women who is lesbian, bisexual, transgendered or transsexual may find this time of increased desire for intimacy challenging due to peer expectations related to heterosexual relationships. She may be questioning her sexual identify, or feeling unsafe about coming out to her peers. Young women are socialized to take on characteristics associated with femininity, such as selflessness and passivity, and to believe in the overriding importance of maintaining intimate and social relationships. When there is conflict within these relationships, it is a very difficult emotional experience. Not feeling connected to others, not voicing discontent and continually trying to be more agreeable can all contribute to depression. Try to understand the dynamics and expectations of the peer groups with which young women affiliate, and explore their current reality with respect to their identity and intimate relationships, and how that compares to their desired reality. Developing a trusting relationship with the young woman is essential to providing the opportunity for her to talk about the impact of peer relationships in her life. Explore the intricacies of friendships and intimate relationships among young women more fully, specifically as they relate to fitting in and peer pressure. Create opportunities to discuss these dynamics and help young women to identify supportive strategies for resolving conflicts when they occur. Encourage open dialogue about school, friends, sex, and alcohol and other drug use. Sometimes what appears to be fine on the outside is not fine on the inside - young women may feel they need permission to speak frankly about these issues. Discuss positive communication and conflict resolution strategies. Encourage young women to talk about their aspirations, to voice their emotions and thoughts, and to set goals and have dreams. Affirm the positive things in a young woman's life and ask her about her strengths. During this very difficult time, reflecting on these aspects may help a young woman focus on what she, herself, possesses - thereby gathering strength from the inside and from the positive things in her life, rather than waiting for external validation and acceptance. Read current books and articles on young women's issues. For example, the web page In Honor of Girls: Adolescent Girls and Self-Esteem ( http://www.ohsu.edu/library/ref/forgirls.htm ) contains an annotated bibliography, including information on issues including friendships, anger, body image, identity, self-esteem, sex, romance and pregnancy and feminine rituals. See also writings by Lyn Brown: Brown, L.M. (2003). Girlfighting: Betrayal and Rejection Among Girls. New York: New York University Press.
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Hear me, Understand me, Support me: What young women want you to know about depression |
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Last updated: Dec 13, 2006 4:14 PM Published: Jul 04, 2008 1:16 PM ID#P24668 |