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Family communication and dynamicHear me, Understand me, Support me: What young women want you to know about depressionIn this section: On this page:
Communication in the household is a big thing. A really big thing. If your parents are involved, they can be too involved. There's a difference between involved and being nosey, you know? If your parents are going to be nosey and they just want to know everything you're doing, when you do it - that's when you're gonna start going crazy and you're gonna try so hard to rebel against it. But if they keep an open mind about things, they're like, "OK, well, I know teenagers are going to experiment with drugs." And if they come to you and say, "Don't do drugs; they're bad. I'll kick you out if you do it!" you're going to go and do it! But if [parents] say, "If you do drugs, it would disappoint me. Here's all the risks. [If ] you're going to do it, please keep yourself safe," a lot of time, that kid is going to be like, "Wow, my parent really cares. Do I really want to disappoint them?" And maybe they will think twice about it. I think, like, something drastic that changes in your life would cause depression, like maybe your parents getting a divorce . . . "You're not good enough!" "You can't do it." "You can do better." "Why couldn't you be more like . . . ?" Often parents see their words as criticism that will help their child do better. What they fail to realize is that these ways to "motivate" us stick with us and the more we hear them, the more we believe them. Parents put a lot of pressure on you . . . I have lots of pressure to do well in math because my parents want me to. I know it will be hard for me, but I don't want to disappoint them. [Girls] don't think they can talk to their parents, let alone expect protection from their parents. They are afraid of talking to their parents about sex. They are afraid to talk to their parents about what they are going through at school. I don't know how to stress to my mom about how much it hurts me when she tells me that I'm a loser, she hates me, I'm a mistake, she wished she never had me. Like, those words are so harsh. Stressful family environments can strongly influence vulnerability to depression. Young women who described their family life as unsupportive and full of conflict were more depressed than those with more supportive, harmonious family environments. Those who were depressed tended to perceive their parents as uncaring, and to describe their families as rejecting, critical, poor communicators and not very affectionate. It may be that these young women learned as children that they had little control over the outcomes of their interactions with their parents, leading them to a helpless coping style. Or the household environment and conflict with parents may have increased their stress, making them more vulnerable to depression. Living up to parental expectations (e.g., to be "good," thin, beautiful, accomplished, dutiful), dealing with parents who are overly protective or unable to relate to you, and fearing you may disappoint parents can all contribute to depression. Participants whose parents had immigrated to Canada from a home country where the values were markedly different than Canadian ideals struggled even more to live up to expectations, and described fighting against their parents' wish to uphold values of their home country, which were often more rigid and strict than those of their Canadian peers. Families today are defined by a myriad of relationships. In addition to traditional nuclear families, some parents have, for example, come together with children from previous relationships (or have scheduled access to those children) to form blended families. Some parents choose to remain single. Some young women's parents are in same-sex and/or interracial relationships. Some parents have adopted children. While individual families seek ways to relate, function and meet everyone's needs, social acceptance or rejection of non-traditional families varies and depends largely on location. For example, young women whose parents are in same-sex relationships may have to cope with homophobic reactions from peers and teachers; some urban centres have strong gay and lesbian communities and support services that can help, but this support is not available everywhere. Young women whose parents are in interracial relationships may not only face stigma in the community, but may also struggle with being mixed-race. Young women whose parents divorce also face the challenges of meeting those who will become new family members, often at a tender time in the healing process. Young women in single-parent families may be expected to do a disproportionate amount of household chores to help the family adjust to having one parent. Young women who have been adopted into families may wonder about their biological parents, or may struggle with feeling of abandonment or concerns about whether they are truly welcome in their current family. For a young woman who is part of a non-traditional family, complications about how she fits in with her peers, who may be less than open to her family makeup, can create pressure to hide the truth. But more secrets mean more silence, and more silence can mean internalized anger, which, in the end, can evolve into or find expression as depression. Young women will define and experience family in different ways. The amount and nature of involvement they have with family will also be unique to each of the young women. Some women will not want any involvement with family. Build a trusting relationship with a young woman, using your listening skills and asking open-ended questions, to determine how you can offer support. It is important to explore a young woman's experiences in terms of the context of her family. Is she the eldest child, middle or the youngest? Is she from a large family? Is she an only child? Was she adopted? Is she multi racial? Does she live in a family with same-sex parents? Has she experienced the divorce of her parents? Is she living with a step-parent and his or her children? Is she living with only one parent? Is she sharing her living arrangements between parents? Are her parents first generation Canadian? Does she have a good relationship with her parents? Is she living with friends or on her own? Clearly there are a myriad of questions that you could ask in trying to understand the dynamics of a young woman's family and how they affect her. Think about your own feelings, assumptions and attitudes about various families and ensure that you do not express judgment. Look at resources that share experiences of young people growing up in a variety of family situations. The resources below include organizations, books and community contacts that provide information and practical tools to help both young women and their parents focus on positive communication with one another. A Teen Guide to Parental Separation and Divorce Families Change Books for Teens with Gay and Lesbian Parents Children's and Young Adult Books with Interracial Family Themes Wehrly, K.R. & Kenney, M.E. (1999). Counseling Multiracial Families. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications. Fusion: A Program for Mixed Heritage Youth Vanier Institute of the Family Parentbooks lists books on its web site, with accompanying descriptions. Why Girls Talk and What They're Really Saying: A Parent's Survival Guide to Connecting with Your Teen, by Susan Morris Shaffer & Linda Perlman Gordon My Girl: Adventures with a Teen in Training, by Karen Stabiner You Don't Really Know Me: Why Mothers and Daughters Fight and How Both Can Win, by Terri Apter Promise You Won't Freak Out: A Teenager Tells Her Mother the Truth About Boys, Booze, Body Piercing and Other Touchy Topics—and Mom Responds, by Doris Fuller, Natalie Fuller & Greg Fuller
Hear me, Understand me, Support me: What young women want you to know about depression |
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Last updated: May 02, 2007 10:54 AM Published: Sep 05, 2008 7:21 PM ID#P24658 |