What parents need to know about teens: Strategies for effective parenting

Being an effective parent takes planning

Let’s begin by looking at some typical situations faced by Canadian families:

Mike and Wendy, both in their late 30s, have three children, two careers, a nice house in a great location with friendly neighbours—and a problem. Their 14-year-old son, Jeremy, has been worrying them a lot lately. Ever since he started Grade 9, the “old Jeremy”—the fun-loving, average school kid who won soccer medals, played in the band, and collected comics and Space Lego—seems to have vanished. Now he spends his time either out or online with his new (and gruff) friends from high school, while his homework piles up and his grades drop. Any conversation he has with his parents rapidly turns into an argument, and the more Mike and Wendy try to get him to abide by the rules, the more surly and upset he becomes. They aren't disagreeable parents, but they want him to see things their way. Is it wrong for them to make sure he eats and sleeps properly, gets good grades at school and doesn't get into trouble? Why does Jeremy make everything so difficult?

Miranda experiences some of the same problems with her daughter Stephanie. As a single mom, Miranda has to carefully juggle her time between her job and her two children—and Stephanie seems to be using up more than her share of her mother’s energy. Stephanie’s room’s a mess, she’s never around when important chores have to be done, she spends most evenings either online with friends or on the cellphone—the list goes on. Miranda is torn between allowing her daughter enough freedom to go out with her friends and have some fun, and making her face up to her responsibilities around the house. Recently, Stephanie has been dating a boy a year older than her, and Miranda’s worried about how far she can be trusted with evenings out, parties and all of the other distractions and worries that dating creates. Like Jeremy, Stephanie doesn't seem to be too focused on schoolwork, or on the other things that used to take up her time, such as choir and skating. What should Miranda do to supervise her daughter without stifling her at the same time?

Fatim and Harshil have a different sort of difficulty. Since moving to Canada five years ago, they have watched their eldest daughter, Noor, adapt to the new society around them. Already, she is much more comfortable speaking English than they are, and she has gradually adjusted to social customs that her grandparents would never have condoned. Fatim especially wants Noor to be more respectful of their family traditions and customs, but Noor seems more interested in her friends—their clothes, parties, music, makeup and language—than in any of the values her parents hold. She argues that she is kept at home while her friends are allowed all kinds of freedoms, and complains that her parents are being unfair. While Fatim and Harshil are pleased that they have found a home where their daughter is relatively safe and able to express herself, they worry their values are being lost. They are afraid if she is allowed all of the liberties that Canadian teens are permitted, Noor will abandon those things that her parents worked so hard to preserve. How can Fatim and Harshil give Noor what she wants without sacrificing the customs and traditions they value?

Do any of these situations sound familiar? If you are the parent of a teenager (or guardian, grandparent, aunt, uncle, even a friend of a teenager) I'm sure that you will run into situations similar to these. Although the problems and conflicts may sound familiar, the approaches and solutions to them often aren't.

The families just discussed are facing changes that occur rapidly as their teens begin the task of seeking their own identity and gradually separating from their role as children in the family. The teens have no particular roadmap or guide to follow, but they're caught up in a fast-moving adventure driven by their peer culture, curiosity and new-found opportunities. Limit-testing, mood changes and sharply critical attitudes may come with this territory, but your values, your role modelling, your affection and your time and guidance deeply influence the decisions and actions they take. Focus on the bigger picture (your teen’s maturity and independence), and accept that getting there is not always easy.

As parents, we're bombarded with advice, warnings and criticism concerning parenting. However, we seldom have the opportunity to think about how we raise our teens. We most often rely on the same familiar methods our own parents used (even if we have bad memories of them) simply because there is so much information out there—talk shows, countless parenting magazines at the grocery checkout, more Internet sites than any parent could ever look at, parent chat rooms and bulletin boards—but no way to know what or who we can trust. Sometimes we hold our breath and wait to see if anything “bad” happens and then react, rather than spending a little time thinking about our role and planning ways to handle tricky situations with our teens.

Your teenager’s new connections with friends pose new challenges to your relationship. Although peers can and do influence one another in positive ways, we also know that they increase the likelihood your teen will experiment with tobacco, alcohol, other drugs, unsafe sex and delinquent behaviour. You are now confronted with an entirely new set of worries and concerns.

Although this may sound bleak, parents do continue to influence the behaviours and decisions of their children well into and beyond the teen years in extremely important ways. Your relationship is changing for sure, but this process does not have to be painful or unpleasant—in fact, the changes you are both undergoing are some of the most important, valuable and long-lasting of all.

Other excerpts from "What parents need to know about teens: Facts, myths and strategies"                    

• What this booklet is about
• Strategies for effective parenting
  • Being an effective parent takes planning
• Keeping up with your teen

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