What parents need to know about teens: Keeping up with your teen

The idea for this guide arose from my experience and that of my colleagues in listening to adolescents as part of our efforts to provide educational strategies to strengthen their healthy relationships and reduce risk behaviours. Simply stated, teens are eager for guidance about the best ways to fit in with their peers—both same-sex and opposite-sex peers—without making mistakes that can get them into trouble or lead to rejection. They are also eager for information about the choices they have concerning new pressures and expectations (such as sex, substance use, and avoiding abuse from peers or dating partners). However, they must trust the source of the information, feel they are being heard, know their opinions are respected, and have some degree of say in their decisions. In other words, they do not like to simply be told “just say no” or “because I say so.”

Teens often express the wish their parents would make more of an effort to understand the challenges and pressures they face at school, at home and in the community. During classroom discussions about these pressures, I often hear them say “My parents need to know this!” They voice concern that their parents are quick with the rules and consequences of breaking them, but don't seem to take the time to really listen and help to problem-solve the situations that matter to their teen (for example, working together on the answer to “Can I go to a party Friday night?”). Worse, they may feel that their parents hold outdated views from their own teenaged years, or that they rely on newspaper headlines of tragedies, leading them to make unbalanced and unfair decisions. I'm not saying they're right—I just want you to remember where they're coming from!

To get around these concerns, some teens find it easier to create a “parent-persona” in order to avoid suspicion and appear to be the same kid their parent has always known. By keeping their new-found interests, friends and opportunities secret, they believe they can get away with more things and at the same time, keep their parents happy.

A teen who takes the parent-persona route, for example, may know that his parent will be concerned about his going to a party, so he will head this off with a prepared statement such as “Pat’s parents will be there. There’s no booze or drugs— I don't do that. You can trust me—there’s no need to phone Pat’s parents.” This approach stems from the time-honoured adage, “the less they know the better,” and, to an unsuspecting parent, this may lessen his worry and help maintain the perception that his teen is more trustworthy and mature than the rest (until the inevitable happens).

Other teens are more up front and confrontational, choosing to simply override parental authority and launch into their new-found status and privileges with abandon. A “so what?” or “who cares?” attitude can elevate their status among peers and force a new relationship onto their parents. These teens are more likely to be the “early starters,” leading the way as they and their friends try out new temptations such as substance use, romantic relationships and sexual activity.

Being this type of “leader” during early adolescence, of course, carries many risks. Not only are there risks directly related to these activities (for example, pregnancy, sexually transmitted infections, injuries and addictions), but there are indirect risks as well (for example, academic decline, violence, bullying and delinquent activities) that some teens will entirely ignore or minimize, focusing instead on the elevated status they gain from their peers.

You know your child best. You know that there is no magic pill, no simple method that works every time, and mistakes do happen. You've been learning the best ways to raise her all along. Now you just need to continue learning: What’s normal? What’s changing? What role do you play during this time? Although it’s seldom easy, there are some simple strategies that should guide you as you navigate new issues. This booklet tackles these issues from the perspective of normal adolescent development, and it draws from research studies and the author’s experience raising teens to provide practical advice for strengthening your relationship with your teen and minimizing conflict.

The information is intended to make you think about, and perhaps change, some of the strategies you use as the parent of a teen—much as we ask teens to think about and revise their strategies for making safe and healthy decisions. There are no easy solutions or quick fixes, but there are some simple strategies that work better than others to foster the values and sense of responsibility you hope your teen will adopt. Being informed, and somewhat open-minded, is a great starting point.

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