Family and Friends

Women, Abuse and Trauma Therapy: An Information Guide

On this page:

• What do your family and friends need to know about trauma therapy?
• Information for families and friends
• Common emotional reactions
• How you can help

What do your family and friends need to know about trauma therapy?

You may have heard from friends, family and others that you should just “get over” your difficulties; that the abuse happened years ago, so you should just forget about it. Or you may have heard even worse comments that hold you responsible and blame you for the harms that were done to you.

Family and friends need to understand what triggers your traumatic responses. Without this understanding, they can reinforce the mistaken idea that you are “crazy,” seriously ill or indulgent for being in therapy. The people you know may feel guilty because they weren't able to (or didn't) help or protect you. Or they may feel threatened because the healing process may have resulted in significant changes in you. For example, as you heal, you may become more assertive, more able to set boundaries and more able to talk about your needs or disappointments.

Family and friends may also be concerned for your well-being. For example, they may not understand that you could become more easily upset or frightened during different stages of healing. They may not know that people can have upsetting responses to events that happened years ago. Because of this, they may think that they are helping you by telling you to quit therapy.

The people in your life need to know that there are links between your current difficulties and the trauma you had in the past. They should understand that by dealing with the past trauma and how it affected you, you can find greater happiness and better ways to deal with the problems you are having right now.

Information for families and friends

Support and Understanding

Abuse in childhood usually has long-lasting effects. However, healing from abuse and its traumatic impact is possible, and the support of family and friends is very important to this process. It's important to remember that women who have experienced childhood or repeated abuse are strong, and have already survived a painful and traumatic experience.

The responses and behaviours of a person who has survived long-term abuse can take a toll on everyone in the family. There are no easy solutions to these challenges. However, knowing that these problems come from the abuse experiences, and are the survivor's normal and understandable ways to cope with life the best she can, helps lessen some of the stress and worry that family and friends may feel.

People with post-traumatic stress often have other problems that make treatment even more complicated. For example, many people with post-traumatic stress also have substance use problems. To numb the pain of the trauma, the survivor may use alcohol or other drugs. Clinical depression is common among women with post-traumatic stress. Many abuse survivors also have chronic physical problems.

Many daily events can trigger survivors' memories of abuse (flashbacks). They may respond by “spacing out” (dissociating), withdrawing emotionally or becoming frightened or angry. Survivors may at times feel intense sadness.

Participating in family activities may become difficult or impossible. Survivors often do not want to participate in social activities. People with post-traumatic stress can withdraw from the world. They may not be interested in people activities that were once important to them. They may lose their faith or spirituality. Partners and family members may feel helpless, not knowing how to make the person feel better.

A survivor may be unable to be employed at a job during a crisis, and that economic loss can be difficult for the family. A woman who has experienced repeated childhood or long-term adult abuse may be quick to become angry and hard to calm down. She may have trouble trusting people, including family members and people with power, such as therapists.

The support and understanding of family and friends while a survivor deals with the effects of abuse on her life can be an essential source of healing. The help of family and friends is very important to a person in trauma therapy.

Common emotional reactions

It is important to understand the complex and sometimes intense emotional reactions many abuse survivors may have.

The angry outbursts and mistrustful thinking that your friend or partner may have towards you, or towards others, are often more extreme because of the abuse she has been through. For example, if you hurt your partner's feelings, you may find her reaction is angrier than you think it should be. On the other hand, if you are angry with your partner, you may find that she becomes intensely anxious and fearful.

Many partners or friends of survivors respond to these extreme negative reactions by saying things like, “You're angry because of what happened to you in childhood, so don't take it out on me.” This kind of response may contain some truth, but you are telling her that her current experience of being hurt isn't real. It is more likely that you did hurt her, but she responded as if you were abusing her. The problem is that one of the effects of psychological trauma is high levels of emotional arousal. This means your partner is conditioned to have intense emotional responses-automatically.

In therapy, your partner will learn techniques and methods that will help her regulate her emotional responses and separate the past from the present. She will learn that when someone is angry it does not mean that it will lead to violence, and that when someone hurts feelings it is not an effort to humiliate her. In the meantime, if your partner has an intense outburst because of something you said or did, admit that you hurt her and apologize.

It is important to be supportive and in control of your own reactions to your partner's intense outbursts. Do not reject or criticize her for her reactions. This can interfere with her progress and cause a setback in therapy. If you feel critical about how your partner has survived the abuse, you need to lean more about trauma therapy and talk to a professional about how you feel.

It is important for family and friends to listen with support and empathy, and to let the person in therapy talk about her feelings and reactions. Family and friends should not think they need to solve her problems or offer advice. It is most helpful to be able to listen.

How you can help

Take care of yourself and get support for yourself from others. Get as much information as you can about trauma and its effects. Read or talk to a professional to gain a better understanding of the survivor's reactions.

Ask your family member or friend what you can do to be helpful, and then really try to do it. Everyone's response to trauma is different and their needs are different. Don't assume you know better than the survivor does about what she needs.

Don't try to solve the person's problems or make her feelings go away. The survivor is likely to think you are uncomfortable and can't deal with her struggle. She may try to hide her feelings, which may create more distance in your relationship.

You can help the abuse survivor in the following ways:

• Whenever you can, just listen.
• Attend therapy with your partner.
• Respect her right to talk or not to talk about her feelings and past experiences of abuse.
• Understand that your partner will not always be emotionally available to you.
• Learn what makes your partner upset and ask what you can do to be helpful.
• Be clear about your availability. For example, are you available in the middle of the night if your partner or friends needs support?
• Set boundaries and limits so that you don't become resentful or burned out. You need to decide when you are available to talk and for how long. You need to communicate these limits respectfully.
• Have realistic expectations about how your partner of family member will heal. While she will learn ways to deal with her trauma responses, she may continue to have nightmares, anxiety attacks, suicidal feelings and the desire to use alcohol or other drugs.

Try to be patient. Healing from trauma takes time.

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