About Separation

Couple Therapy: An Information Guide

Should we stay together for the sake of the children?

There is no easy answer to this difficult question. Each couple must make a decision that is right for them and their children. Even if problems are not discussed with or in front of them, children know when their parents are not happy with each other, and they may suffer as a result. Separation also greatly affects children. Couples must weigh the emotional costs of staying together against those of separation.

What if I want us to stay together and my partner wants to leave?

If you can resolve some of your problems, your partner may not feel as hopeless about the relationship and may decide to stay and work at it. However, you cannot keep someone in a relationship who is determined to leave.

We've already decided to separate. Can couple therapy help us?

If you have made the decision to separate there may be some issues you still need to resolve and decisions you need to make. Therapy could help you come to terms with these decisions. Some common issues facing people who decide to separate include:

•  Who will have custody of the children?
•  How will family react?
•  What will happen with our friends?
•  How will I/we manage financially?
•  How will we divide our possessions?
•  What will it mean to be a single parent, to live on my own?
•  How do I deal with my feelings of anger, loneliness, failure?

Will the therapist continue to see me if my partner and I separate?

If you separate it may be helpful for either or both of you to engage in individual therapy. Some therapists, after having seen a couple together, will not see either of them individually, but instead will refer them to other professionals for individual therapy. However, under certain circumstances, therapists may continue to see one or both partners on an individual basis.

What is mediation counselling?

This is a specific kind of counselling for couples who have decided to separate and require help in resolving issues such as custody of children, visitation rights, division of property and assets. The aim of mediation counselling is to avoid painful confrontation and to resolve conflicts fairly, without bitter legal struggles. Mediation counselling may be avail-able through the Family Court system. Some family agencies and private practitioners also offer this specialized service. Mediation counselling aids in solving problems and making decisions. Couple therapy will address these issues, but it will also help the couple look more deeply at the meanings and feelings underneath the conflicts.

Where can we find more information about marriage, common-law or same-sex relationships, and the different problems each may experience?

Popular magazines frequently publish articles on marriage and marital problems. The self-help and psychology sections of bookstores and libraries often have a variety of books on these topics. Many religious or community organizations have material as well. The quality of this material and its applicability to your specific relationship will vary. You should look for material that is relevant to you and your own situation. The best way to use these materials is to further understand yourself, your partner, and how the problems in your relationship developed; it is not helpful to use this information as a source of ammunition with which to blame your partner.

Couple Therapy: An Information Guide

Introduction

1. Factors that influence a couple's relationship
2. What is couple therapy?
3. Do we need therapy?
4. Common concerns about therapy
5. Finding a therapist
6. Some practical questions
7. About separation

Appendix

Suggested readings

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