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 Centre for Addictionand Mental Health |
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Factors that influence a couple's relationshipCouple Therapy: An Information Guide On this page: "Never say that marriage has more joy than pain." - Euripides, Alcestis (438 BC) "There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage." - Martin Luther, Table Talk (1569) These opposing views of marriage, written centuries apart, are as true today as they were in their authors' time. Living with a partner is a complex and challenging experience, and it can potentially be both rewarding and painful. The nature of a couple's relationship is determined by the ways in which they deal with the various factors that influence that relationship. Couples who vary from the "traditional" model of a heterosexual couple with children, such as childless couples, same-sex couples or relationships where the partners come from very diverse backgrounds, may have to make additional adaptations for their relationship to work. Society's Influence on Relationships: The Impact of Social Change The world in which couples form and live out their relationships is differ-ent for each generation. Changes in society over the past four decades have forced us to change the way we think about values and expectations. In general, couples today enter their relationships expecting to find greater emotional and sexual intimacy, greater equality between the sexes, and greater tolerance of differences. But rising divorce statistics reflect a picture of relationships that does not match up to these expectations. Why should that be so? Alongside the positive changes in society there have been a variety of bewildering and often distressing changes, many of which have occurred so rapidly that some people have been caught off-guard, and have had difficulty coping. Changes in the job market affect people at all life stages. Many young adults cannot find suitable employment and affordable housing, and must remain in their parents' home at a time when they may be seeking to establish independence, as well their own relationships. At the same time, their parents may be looking forward to their own personal and financial freedom, or may themselves be going through major life changes. For many families, the need for two incomes means that both partners carry a double load: family obligations, as well as outside employment. Early retirement is becoming more common, while other people are losing their jobs through no fault of their own. People in either situation are often quite unprepared for the financial or emotional transition. There is an atmosphere of insecurity and instability everywhere in society, making it difficult for people to know how to protect themselves or their families. Meanwhile, the media actively promotes the impression that material possessions are not only attainable, but essential, and that marriage and family life are relatively happy and conflict-free. This can create enormous pressures for families who find their expectations are not met. In all these instances, economic stress results in emotional stress, which takes its toll on relationships. Economic and social forces have also led to dramatic changes in gender roles. Changing ideas of the roles of men and women in society have led to the promise of greater freedom and fulfilment for both sexes. However, changing gender roles have also led to confusion and frustration. As mentioned above, both partners in a relationship often have to work outside the home in addition to sharing household and parenting responsibilities. While this offers a varied and potentially more rewarding existence, it is also a dramatic departure from traditional gender roles and can add to relationship stress - particularly if the partners' willingness or ability to adapt to their expanded roles is unequal. Often, the gender roles we learned when we were young are quite different from the roles demanded by our adult relationships. Each individual and each couple has to work out how to adjust to the discrepancy. For some, the lack of fit between their cultural and religious ideals of family life and the day-to-day demands of contemporary life can be an additional source of stress. Each relationship is unique and yet there are identifiable stages that most couples experience. Although we think of these stages as proceeding in sequence - courtship, commitment to marriage or a long-term relationship, productive years (which can include child-rearing, or career, business or other pursuits), middle age to retirement - frequently there are variations. Stages can begin and end abruptly or gradually. In some relationships one stage may merge with another, while in others, certain stages may be skipped altogether. In specific circumstances, such as second marriages where there may be children from previous relationships, the stages may be markedly altered. Each of these stages gives rise to a range of pressures and potential difficulties. All of this is complicated by the fact that each of the partners is also likely to be going through his or her own complex stages of psychological and emotional growth. As individuals, the partners' development may not fit well, or match with the stages of each other's growth - or the growth of the relationship. A further complication is that many important aspects of these processes are fully or partly unconscious. For this reason, the partners would have trouble identifying and discussing these aspects. The initial courtship phase of a relationship is often "time out" from everyday life: a new relationship tends to make people feel very good about themselves and their lives. Problems seem small or unimportant. The time the couple spends together in this phase tends to be mainly fun and rewarding; they have not yet established shared responsibilities. The courtship stage may be followed by a commitment to marry, to live together, or to form a long-term relationship while continuing to live apart. During this period, stabilizing career goals, deciding whether or not to have children, and resolving issues or feelings left over from previous relationships are some of the issues that commonly arise. Couples may then reach a period of consolidation or stability, during which they enjoy what they have established. What is frequently the next stage, the arrival of children, is usually thought of as a happy period, and in many instances, it is. However, it may also be a time of intense stress, both physical and emotional. The impact of children on each partner may be experienced quite differently. Couples must reorganize their lives with the arrival of a first child and it may take some time to adjust to their new lifestyle. During the child-rearing years the couple usually spends much more time looking after the needs of the children and may have limited time to focus on their own relationship or may be distracted from doing so. In addition, the arrival of children sometimes brings up differences around child-rearing, or the kind of family life each of the partners desires. Often, the couple were unaware of these differences earlier in the relationship. This stage is obviously different for childless couples, who will focus their relationship differently and who face an array of different issues as a result of not having children, including those issues arising from their "difference" from the norm. Middle age may be difficult for couples. At this stage of life people often take stock of what they have accomplished and re-evaluate their goals. They may or may not be happy and satisfied with what they have achieved. There are additional issues if the couple has children who enter the teenage years at this point. Couples cope with their teenagers' struggle for independence and may fear that their children are vulnerable to such dangers as alcohol or drug abuse, risky sexual activity or harmful companions. The current trend of children staying longer in the home prolongs the sense of parental responsibility. Once children leave home, many couples have to readjust to relating primarily to each other. Some partners may experience a serious sense of loss without children to care for, though others may channel their interests and energies into new careers, activities and relationships. Middle age is also a time when couples may find their elderly parents need care. This can create additional pressures, and a sense of frustration, as it occurs at a time when the couple are just beginning to feel that their children no longer rely on them so fully. Finally, people often look forward to their retirement years. For some couples retirement is satisfying, but for others this period can be difficult financially and emotionally. Illness and the prospect of losing a life-long partner are among the most difficult issues that arise in this period. Some couples are also unprepared for the loss of structure and meaning that work provided in their lives. This is particularly true when retirement is not voluntary, and comes earlier than planned. Why two people are attracted to each other is often a mystery to others, and sometimes to the couple themselves. People may be attracted to those similar to themselves or prefer those who have opposite or dissimilar characteristics. People may admire different qualities in their partners at different stages in their lives. As a relationship develops over time, an initial attraction based on "chemistry" yields to a more complex relationship influenced by such factors as the personality of each partner and the "fit" between them - their values, interests, life experiences, and cultural, religious, educational or family backgrounds and preferences. Each partner's experience in his or her own family of origin influences the current relationship in complex ways. Each partner's expectation of what the relationship should be, and the roles each should play within it, is a significant influence. The partners may be unaware of some of their expectations until they are disappointed or a conflict surfaces in the relationship. Often this occurs at a time of change: when the couple begin to live together, marry, have children or one or both face significant life stress. The partners may be astounded to discover that some of their expectations of life as a couple are so far apart. Stress in life is inevitable. The number of stressful situations, their length and severity and a partner's individual capacity to cope, are all factors that will affect a relationship. It is normal for couples to experience difficulties during periods of change until they can find their own ways of adapting to the situation. A couple may be less able to adapt if they face significant stresses in several areas of their lives at the same time. A major physical or emotional illness in the family can have great impact. Financial difficulties and loss of employment are other common stresses facing couples. In such times, family support (or lack of it) and the involvement of friends will play an important role in improving or worsening the situation. There is no universal, ideal model against which a relationship can be evaluated. A "good relationship" is one that works for both partners and effectively supports them in achieving their goals. If this is not working at some point, it does not necessarily mean that the couple requires therapy. All relationships tend to encounter problems during stressful periods and at different stages, and many couples are able to resolve their difficulties without professional help. Some couples find that they are able to do so at one stage but not at another. Others may find that they are continually unhappy with their relationship. Sometimes one partner feels frustrated and misunderstood while his or her mate is totally unaware of the situation. If the couple are unable to resolve issues in a manner that is acceptable to both partners, professional help should be considered. Many couples only consider therapy as a last resort. It may however, be helpful at any time, and sometimes seeking therapy soon after things get "stuck" prevents a buildup of frustration and disappointment. The aim of couple therapy is not only to help the couple deal appropriately with immediate problems, but also to achieve better ways of relating in general. Often people have questions or misconceptions about couple therapy - what it is, whether it is beneficial, what form of therapy is most helpful, and whether seeking this kind of help implies some weakness or failure in the partners. The following chapters will address many of these issues.
Couple Therapy: An Information Guide
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Last updated: Dec 13, 2006 4:48 PM Published: Jul 24, 2008 8:15 PM ID#P18393 |