Common Concerns about Therapy

Couple Therapy: An Information Guide

I think my personal problems are creating tension in our relationship. Should I go for help by myself or should we both go?

Personal problems undoubtedly affect your partner and your relationship. Examples of these might be low self-esteem, illness or work-related stress. For some people, being in a committed relationship may itself be a problem. Same-sex relationships can be affected by other personal problems, such as one partner's discomfort with a same-sex lifestyle. Initially, it is probably best for both of you to seek help. This may, in fact, help your partner to better understand your difficulties. It may also be helpful for the therapist to hear your partner's perception of the problems. After an initial assessment of your situation, the therapist will be able to recommend either individual or couple therapy.

If I need help does that mean I'm crazy?

Seeking help for your personal or relationship problems does not mean that you have a mental illness. Instead, seeking help is an appropriate and mature means of dealing with issues that, if left unresolved, could lead to considerable distress and possibly the breakdown of the relationship.

What can I do if my partner refuses to seek help?

Discuss the issue with your partner even if he or she has refused to participate in couple therapy in the past. People are sometimes reluctant because they feel that agreeing to go to therapy is agreeing that "you're right, I'm to blame." This resistance can be increased if the suggestion of couple therapy is made angrily. If you stress your concern about the relationship, your partner may be encouraged to consider ways of improving it. Usually, if one partner feels the problem is serious enough to warrant getting help, there probably is a need for assistance.

Does it mean our relationship is over if we need couple therapy?

No. Some people fear that seeking help is a sign of failure. This is unfortunate because it is best to go for help early before the problems become too great. The outcome depends on many factors. Two of the most important are how much you and your partner want to work on your problems, and how important the relationship is to both of you.

Is couple therapy always successful?

The answer to this question depends on how you define "success" and your reasons for engaging in therapy. The decision to either separate or stay together may be seen as a successful outcome depending on the couple and the situation. In couple therapy you may come to under-stand yourself and your partner better and decide whether or not you are able to make changes to better your relationship. In many cases, your understanding of yourself and your partner may change the way you feel about the issues that led you to seek therapy. This under-standing may lead to greater acceptance of the relationship as it is. Generally speaking, motivation to change is required on the part of both partners to improve a relationship. If a relationship cannot be changed to meet the needs of both partners, couple therapy might still help the couple end the relationship in a way that is not destructive to them or their children.

Will the therapist understand my values?

Therapists are trained to respect the values of others and not to impose their own values or to be judgmental in their work. However, the issues that arise in couple therapy are complex ones, and it is possible that the therapist might at some point not understand what a certain issue means to you. It is also possible that certain values or issues might require working out between yourselves and your therapist, as is true of all relation-ships. Finally, you might experience a therapist's comment as judgmental when that is not the therapist's intent at all. Any of these situations should be addressed with the therapist as they arise.

Do I have to disclose everything about myself? If I don't, will therapy be beneficial?

One of the most important ways in which couple therapy helps people is by enhancing their understanding of themselves and their partner. For this reason it is important to be honest about your feelings and the issues that are significant to you. Nevertheless, there can be risks involved in revealing what has not been expressed before. It may be very difficult to decide how to handle information that you believe may hurt your partner or the relationship but that you think is important to discuss. Your own discretion and comfort may help you decide when and how to introduce certain topics. The therapist's involvement may also help alleviate any misunderstanding that might occur and support you and your partner in continuing to talk together despite the difficulty.

Everyone has some feelings that are deeply personal and many people have experienced events or circumstances in their lives that they are not comfortable in discussing. Successful couple therapy, and a successful relation-ship itself, does not necessarily require that you surrender your privacy. Some things about you may not affect the relationship significantly. However, other factors, which you may consider very private, may block progress in therapy if they are not discussed. Again, you need to exercise discretion and carefully evaluate the significance of the issue for the relationship, the reasons you are reluctant to talk about it, and your reasons for feeling it should be discussed.

What if the therapist thinks our relationship is over?

A therapist cannot make this decision. It is up to you and your partner to decide whether or not you want to continue the relationship.

However, it is part of the therapist's job to identify an impasse when one exists. Again, this does not necessarily mean that therapy cannot proceed or that there is no hope for further change. Some impasses can be resolved, and this may lead to considerable gains.

Will the therapist think I'm to blame or make me feel guilty?

No one person is entirely responsible for the problems in a relationship. You may feel guilty or singled out at some point in therapy. However, you might be surprised to find that your partner feels the same way. This kind of experience can be part of the process and should be discussed with the therapist as it arises.

Couple Therapy: An Information Guide

Introduction

Factors that influence a couple's relationship
What is couple therapy?
Do we need therapy?
Common concerns about therapy
Finding a therapist
Some practical questions
About separation

Appendix

Common Concerns about Therapy

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