Appendix

Couple Therapy: An Information Guide

Examples of five couples who sought couple therapy:

On this page:

Mr. and Mrs. A.
Ms. G. and Mr. M.
Mr. and Mrs. B.
Mr. L. and Mr. A.
Mr. and Mrs. J.

Mr. and Mrs. A came to couple therapy complaining of frequent arguments. They were both in their mid-20s and had been married two years. They met at their place of work, where she was a secretary and he was an accountant. They had hopes of one day buying a house and having a family. After a year of marriage they agreed that, to achieve these goals, Mr. A. would quit work to continue his education while Mrs. A. continued to work to support them.

When they came for therapy Mrs. A. was very resentful that her husband often went out for a couple of drinks with his friends after class and arrived home late for dinner. Mrs. A. was budgeting her salary carefully in order to pay all the bills. In fact, she had started taking her lunch to work to save money and was angry that her husband was spending money having fun while she was scrimping. It also annoyed her that on weekends her husband said he had to study while she was left to do the household chores on her own. She thought he was taking advantage of her. When she told him this, she found that it did not change the situation.

Mr. A. felt that his wife was nagging him and said he often didn't feel like going home after his classes. He had worked five years before returning to school, was used to being financially independent, and resented having to ask his wife for pocket money or for her approval of how to spend it. Also, he was finding it hard to get into the habit of studying again and was worried about not doing well in his courses. He was older than his classmates, who were unmarried and without family responsibilities. He often found himself torn between going out with classmates to relax and going home to be with his wife. Since being with his wife increasingly led to arguments, he began to go out with friends more often.

When Mr. and Mrs. A. were seen in therapy sessions they were each given the chance to air their frustrations. It became clear that each was under pressure: Mrs. A. felt pressured being the sole breadwinner and handling the household responsibilities on her own; Mr. A. worried that he might not succeed at school, particularly since the couple's future rested on his achievement there. Both were so emotionally caught up in their own feelings they had not realized their partner was also under stress.

As they listened to each other they were more able to give each other emotional support. It was pointed out that in reality they were experiencing many pressures but they could learn to handle them differently. They talked about their original attraction to each other and found that these positive feelings remained. They were encouraged to build on these feelings and to make some time to spend together regularly in some enjoyable activity. They found that in doing this they were able to have something to look forward to, which helped make the stressful times more tolerable.

Ms. G. and Mr. M.

Ms. G. And Mr. M. went to a therapist because they felt stuck trying to re-solve a recurring problem in their relationship. Ms. G., 29, was doing well in an entry position in a professional career she had chosen and for which she had trained. Mr. M., 28, worked at a technical job, which he liked but did not regard as his ultimate career. They had known each other five years and had been seriously involved for three years. They had similar interests, values, and ways of looking at the world. The time they spent together was fun and stimulating - they enjoyed each other's intelligence and sense of humour, and they could talk for hours about anything from personal thoughts, feelings and tastes to world affairs. Both felt they had a very loving relationship that they hoped would last.

However, from time to time, Mr. M. would begin to feel crowded and irritable. The couple had lived together several times, and each time these feelings came up for Mr. M., he had temporarily moved back to his mother's house. This was devastating for Ms. G., as Mr. M.'s change of feelings had no obvious cause in the moment. Mr. M. was aware that his changed feel-ings hurt Ms. G. and he felt very bad about this. Both felt helpless to address the problem because they did not know what caused it.

The therapist explored what was going on at the times when Mr. M.'s feelings changed. The couple said that the changes seemed to follow a period in which things were good between them and there were no problems. Despite this, Mr. M. would begin to wonder whether the relationship was right for him, and to think about having his own place and traveling on his own. He was also conscious of not having a career direction, and felt guilty that he had not been able to pull his weight financially in the relationship. Ms. G. said that when Mr. M. backed off, she tended to push him to decide one way or the other. It made her sad when she pushed him, as she knew it hurt him.

When they met, the couple had been instantly attracted to each other on many levels and had spent a lot of time together over a short period. At that time, Mr. M. was scheduled to leave very soon for an out-of-town job, which he had worked toward for some time. When he left, they parted company, thinking that they might never see each other again. However, Mr. M. kept in touch with Ms. G., which surprised and pleased her. He then became ill, was unable to continue his job and returned to the city for treatment that continued on and off for several years. The couple quickly resumed their relationship. Mr. M. recovered, but he had lost his job opportunity, and this turned into a career setback for him.

Mr. M. grew up as an only child. His mother had been ill throughout his childhood, but he felt she had done her best to raise him well as a single parent. Mr. M.'s father was an alcoholic who had left the family when Mr. M. was very young and had never provided support. Mr. M. felt grateful toward his mother and also felt protective of her. While he knew that his childhood had not always been easy, he did not resent his mother. He was very clear in his praise for her hard work, caring, and the limits she had set for him.

Ms. G. was an only child who became independent at an early age. By her mid teens, she had a full-time job, and lived on her own. Her father was a rigid, critical man with a severe temper. Her parents argued a lot, and finally separated when she was 10 years old. A few years after the separation, Ms. G. became angry and rebellious toward her mother. They argued a lot before Ms. G. moved out on her own. Ms. G. had felt at the time that her mother was intrusive and controlling. Their relationship improved considerably after she moved out, and her mother had helped her while Ms. G. educated herself.

In couple therapy Ms. G. and Mr. M. began to understand the causes of their difficulties. Mr. M., although he was a loving, considerate man who was mature for his age, had an unconscious anxiety about his capacity as a man, husband and father, because of his own father's problems and abandonment of his family. Mr. M. had been protective of his mother as a child, but this meant that he missed out on some aspects of being a kid. Rather than express his negative feelings about what he missed out on as a child, Mr. M. had repressed his feelings. In his relationship with Ms. G., he repeated this pattern, being loving and protective towards her but unable to recognize and express certain needs of his own. Periodically, his re-pressed feelings would erupt into anxiety, irritability and an urge to leave.

Ms. G. realized that, while she had always enjoyed being independent and strong, she had been unaware of a side of herself that was dependent and vulnerable. This hidden side came out during her relationship with Mr. M., because of the level of love and trust she felt for him. His turning away from her was devastating because she had opened herself to him so fully. Recognizing these dynamics helped the couple to pinpoint ways in which they could identify and talk about their hidden feelings, rather than act them out. After a short time in couple therapy they decided that they could work on this together without the therapist, and agreed that they would return if they found they were stuck again.

Mr. and Mrs. B.

Mr. B. called requesting help for himself and his wife. He was 44; she was 39. They had been married 16 years and had three children. The couple met as adolescents in a small town where they both grew up. He was a friend of her older brother and so was around her house a lot. She was very pretty, wasn't particularly interested in school and looked up to her future husband. Though shy, he did extremely well in school.

Soon after they married, Mrs. B. found she was pregnant. The couple were delighted. At this time, Mr. B. accepted a job in a city quite distant from their home town. Excited about their future, they settled in the suburbs of the new city. Mrs. B. was not interested in pursuing a career and stayed home to look after their child. Two more children followed quickly. Her husband, who held a junior position in a large corporation, was often away on business trips and courses. His hard work paid off and he was steadily promoted until he reached a management position. His job became a source of in-creased satisfaction to him. The demands of his career also increased.

When Mr. and Mrs. B. were seen in therapy sessions, Mr. B. was frustrated that his wife was not able to understand the demands of his job. It was important to him that his wife entertain his business associates and accompany him to out-of-town conferences. She did accompany him to his business-related social functions, but it was clear that she did not enjoy doing so. Having stopped her formal education when she married, she felt un-comfortable with her husband's colleagues and their spouses. She felt that they were far more knowledgeable and articulate than she. Also, she was not interested in becoming more active in her husband's world. She was far more focused on raising their children and running their household.

When Mr. and Mrs. B. were given the opportunity to express their own viewpoints, they saw that they had grown in different directions and now had distinct differences in their preferred lifestyles, interests and goals. They saw that they shared a common interest in their children. They agreed that their sexual relationship had been a strong point in their marriage from the start. Mr. and Mrs. B., however, faced a major dilemma: knowing the differences between them they each had to decide if they had enough in common for the marriage to be satisfying. While therapy helped them identify this dilemma, they struggled over time to reach a decision to continue their marriage - accepting its limitations, but also recognizing its strong points.

Mr. L. and Mr. A.

Mr. L. and Mr. A. made an appointment with their family doctor to discuss a crisis in their relationship. Mr. L. was in his 40s and was a successful businessman. Mr. A. was in his early 30s and had a successful sales job. Although Mr. A. enjoyed sales, he also had artistic interests, and was un-sure of his long term career plans. They had been together 10 years and, apart from their current problem, felt that they had a good relationship. They shared an interest in arts and culture, a circle of friends, and an affectionate and considerate regard for each other.

Although Mr. A.'s family had been unsure of Mr. L. at first, they had grown to like him, and the relationship was now accepted by both families. In the first few years of the relationship, Mr. L. was, in some ways, a mentor to Mr. A., who respected his partner's wisdom and stability. Mr. L. enjoyed Mr. A.'s energetic, spontaneous, enthusiastic approach to life, and his outrageous and irreverent sense of humour.

Over a period of months, things had gradually changed, as Mr. A. began to criticize and verbally reject Mr. L. Friends of the couple who saw these changes were both surprised and distressed, as Mr. A.'s behaviour seemed both uncalled for and out of character. Mr. L. at first tried to ignore his partner's gibes, but they became more hurtful, more frequent and more intense over time. He tried to discuss this with Mr. A.

Mr. A., however, felt justified in his anger. He thought that Mr. L. was trying to put him down or treat him as an inferior, even in situations that seemed quite neutral. Talking about it only seemed to make Mr. A. angrier, and Mr. L. could not make sense of Mr. A.'s anger. They did agree there was a serious problem in their relationship, although each saw the other's behaviour as the problem. It was at this point that they went to their doctor.

The doctor talked with the couple and it was clear to all of them that the problem needed further exploration. The doctor referred them to a therapist who was experienced in both couple and individual therapy. During the assessment the therapist learned that Mr. A., as an adolescent, had been comfortable as a heterosexual. Mr. A. ignored feelings toward other boys and men until he became involved with another man in his late teens. He had then decided that he was gay and entered into a gay lifestyle without exploring what it meant to him to give up the life he had been living before.

When he met Mr. L. their relationship developed well, but unconsciously Mr. A. still had strong mixed feelings toward his first homosexual partner. He associated his first partner with the shift in his orientation and his change in lifestyle. His feelings of anger toward Mr. L. were, in fact, displaced feelings toward his first homosexual partner.

When the couple identified and discussed this dynamic, they were better able to deal with the problem in their relationship. Mr. A. was able to see that his anger had little to do with Mr. L., and to acknowledge distress he had caused his partner. Mr. L. felt relieved that the issue had been addressed and that the relationship no longer seemed in danger. The therapist recommended that Mr. A. seek therapy on his own to deal with his personal issues.

Mr. and Mrs. J.

Mr. and Mrs. J. sought help when they recognized that their arguments were getting out of control, affecting how much support they gave to each other and also affecting how they dealt with issues relating to Mr. J.'s son from a previous marriage.

Mr. and Mrs. J. were both 26 years old and had been married for eight months after an 18-month courtship. Mr. J. was drawn to his wife by her looks, intelligence and his belief that she was a very moral person. Mrs. J. found her husband to be both attractive and a good person, who was unusually concerned and thoughtful toward others. They also felt compatible with each other's values, interests and activities.

A major focus of conflict between them was Mr. J.'s young son. When the couple met, the son's mother was minimally involved and Mr. J. had sole custody. At first, Mrs. J. was not comfortable with the little boy. She saw the boy as overly demanding and a rival for Mr. J.'s affection and attention. Over time, Mrs. J. grew to love the little boy.

The stability of the relationship was then greatly upset after the couple married, when the little boy's mother sought joint custody. This led to a long and painful court proceeding, which Mrs. J. felt did not consider her own connection with the little boy. The joint custody arrangement was granted, throwing the couple into ongoing contact with the little boy's mother. Both were very angry at this and felt that the child's mother had all the power. Mr. J. felt caught. His wife's angry demand was that he take a strong stand with the child's mother, but he did not want to "make waves," which he felt could hurt his son.

The couple were quite upset and, to an extent, blamed each other. However, they also had begun to talk together. They realized that the consider-able stresses they had been through had caused them to turn anger and frustration stemming from other sources onto each other. Their relatively new relationship had been through constant stress. This stress made them unable to work out issues which are usually negotiated in the early phase of marriage. They were highly motivated to make their relationship work, and despite all the contrary feelings, they did not doubt their basic caring for each other.

The couple were seen together in couple therapy, where a pattern was identified in which Mrs. J. would get extremely angry and emotional, while her husband would remain silent, waiting for his wife to "cool down." In actual fact, her feelings would intensify when he waited, because when he did not respond, she thought it was because of his lack of caring about the intense distress which lay beneath her furious front. The couple were helped to identify this pattern and the consequences it created in the relationship. This enabled them to begin to discuss even the most emotionally loaded topics without blowing up, and with acknowledgment of each other's feelings.

Although they sometimes fell back into the old pattern, they felt able to get back "on track" much sooner and with less damage to the relationship. They also felt more effective, both individually and as a couple, in negotiation with the child's mother and with respect to related child-rearing issues. When they were seen for a follow-up appointment they felt that these gains had been maintained. They also felt that they had benefited from the chance to work on these issues in therapy.

Couple Therapy: An Information Guide

Introduction

Appendix

Appendix

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