Transition to college and university: tips for parents
by David A. Wolfe, Ph.D.
RBC Chair in Children’s Mental Health
Centre for Addiction and Mental Health
As children leave home for college, university or other pursuits, parents face a dilemma about how involved (or uninvolved)
they should be. There are lots of media stories about drinking, assaults, and property damage on campuses – and parents wonder
how to keep their children safe.
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| Dr. David Wolfe |
Transitioning to college or university is the most difficult shift for many young adults, and a parent’s role remains important,
but with some critical differences.
Pressures facing young people face as they leave home
As soon as they arrive on campus students need to make new friends and social connections, and learn to make decisions not
only about their studies, but about their social life. According to research, the top stressors faced by young adults during
this transition are:
- changes in their sleeping and eating habits
- coping with more responsibilities and workload
- managing the stress of less money and more pressure to take part in social activities.
Changes bring out new or unfamiliar emotions that students need to recognize and perhaps discuss. Emotions like anxiety,
worry, sadness and confusion are quite normal. Feelings of inadequacy, disorientation, depression or hostility may be more
extreme and disruptive.
No matter how severe, research shows that students who are confused by their emotional reactions to entering college or university
and who seem unable to express how they are feeling find the transition more difficult.
Parents need to find their balance point along the continuum of parenting young adults. At one end are parents who are over-involved -- too indulgent, intrusive, or even smothering. At the other end are those who seem under-involved -- too uninterested or unconnected to what young adults face, and come across as too rigid and uncompromising.
In case you're worried about what's going to become of the younger generation, it's going to grow up and start worrying about
the younger generation.
- Roger Allen
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For most parents the mid-point is being:
- interested in their child’s new life
- informed and available when needed
- respectful of privacy
- able to express their expectations in a supportive (non-demanding) fashion.
Ten tips for parents
1. Be a parent (not a friend). While growing up they learned to depend on you for mature advice and guidance. Continue this role, and step back a bit from
needing to know everything in their life.
2. Don’t intrude. Let them make new friends but know you’re still a major part of their life. Resist contacting them too often, through emails,
text messages, Facebook, or phone calls. Let them take the lead here (so long as it feels right to you).
3. Don’t pressure. As parents, we’re sometimes too eager to see our kids find their niche, settle their plans, and reach their goals. This can
seem like pressure or demands. But this process takes time, and it’s their time and their life (if it’s your money, see Tip
#9!).
4. Encourage new ideas. This is a time to explore new options and be exposed to new possibilities. Young adults like to know that their parents trust
their decisions and have their best interests in mind. Encourage them to explore new courses and interests, even if it means
a change in focus or delay in completing their degree. In the long run this is time well spent, for they will have chosen
a career that is best for them.
5. Be supportive. To deal with the stressors noted above, it’s important for students to feel supported in the transition, but still in charge.
Students who learn to manage the tension and worry associated with academic and social changes end up more successful and
well-adjusted. A parent’s role involves listening and guiding, not directing, cajoling, or pressuring. If they (or you) need
help with this, see Tip #10 below.
6. Encourage friendships and connection. If your child seem lonely or disconnected, he or she is likely to be experiencing the stressors above. Students who have
meaningful relationships with peers have fewer emotional and physical symptoms of stress, and reap more benefits from their
new experiences.
Parents should encourage their child to try new interests, develop new friendships, and go new places – even if they’re a
bit uncomfortable. Activity and availability are the antidotes to loneliness and isolation. Encouraging connection is especially
important if your child lives at home.
7. Be a touchstone of maturity and good advice. Some students choose to engage in excessive drinking, drug use, promiscuous sexual activity, and other health-compromising
activities, typically to make friends and fit in (or cope with stress and anxiety). Their new surroundings may offer little
resistance to over-indulgence and irresponsibility.
Rather than telling your child what he or she can or cannot do (or bribing them not to do it!), let them know what you expect
of them, that you’re proud of their efforts, and you’re available to listen and advise. Feel free to remind them on occasion
about the consequences of irresponsible or illegal activity (including legal, financial, academic, social, and similar consequences).
8. Avoid “helicopter parenting.” Hovering and protective parents can make the process of transition difficult for children used to daily parental contact.
While it is important to remain supportive, involved and interested, you must be willing to back-off and let the student grow.
9. Assist with time and money management. Many students are ill-prepared at managing time or finances, which contributes to their stress. Many students amass sizable
credit card debt, yet may not understand debt management (and expect you to take over!).
Resist the temptation to reduce stress by giving money – remind them of their choices, help them plan a budget, even monitor
their accounts if need be (with their permission), to help them avoid over-spending and under-planning their time and money.
10. Recommend academic and student counseling resources. Most campuses offer a wide variety of student assistance, but parents and students may not know how to ask for help. Academic
and mental health counselors are the most familiar with common student problems, and have the best resources available to
assist. If your child seems to be struggling with any of these issues, have him or her speak to a counselor.
An academic counselor is available within their department or faculty, whose job it is to help students find the right courses,
learn better study habits, and take advantage of campus opportunities. Student counseling services are available to assist
with all other aspects of health and well-being, including therapies to improve coping skills, strengthen relationships and
connection, and many similar functions.
A complete version of this article is available here (PDF).
Suggested resources for parents:
a) A “calendar of student concerns” is available at: www.residentassistant.com/reslifepro/listofstudentconcernsbymonth.html. For those who want a detailed reminder of what it’s like to be a first-year student at most colleges and universities (the
good, bad, and the ugly), this is the place to visit.
b) Landow, M. V. (2006). Stress and mental health of college students. New York, NY: Nova Science Publishers, Inc. This book
offers a compendium of research and advice concerning the needs of college students and a review of prevention and treatment
approaches for this age group.
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Centre for Addiction
